Taking Life

It was hard-hitting as I lay in bed somewhere between “tossing and turning” and “never going to get to sleep” when my eyes suddenly just shot open wide.   The soft blue LED from my clock alarm illuminating sharply the ceiling above me, my subconscious immediately and unforgivably reminding me of the  missing silhouette with pointy ears usually laying across my stomach, the one that started me down this dark path once again.

Glancing over at the time, the numbers appearing unfocused and fuzzy without my glasses, music I have playing in trying to help me sleep seems to sense my rustling and the next song starts playing that matches my mood “Godsmack – Sick of Life”.   Much to my surprise, as I try to find reasons by grasping at straws, immaterial objects and the few friends I allow to stay close but never form deep relationships with, my eyes wander to the green, red and blue lights being thrown onto the wall and ceiling by my computer and accessories.

“That’s all I have left.” crosses my mind. It’s not the first time this thought has done so, hopefully not the last, either.  I prop up on my right elbow, an unusual position for me, glancing over in the direction of my computer, the only meaningful connection I seem to have in this world.  Nothing more than a black silhouette, the multi-colored lights it casts on the wall behind it making it stand out easily in the darkness.

My eyes close as I mentally navigate my room.  Knowing I could stand up in this darkness and easily walk to my computer, sit down, type the password to log into my account all before needing a light to see wasn’t helping me in this situation.  The familiarity with my surroundings, the memories; were a large part of the problem my mind pondered.  My subconscious again noticing the lack of a certain weight my body has brown accustomed to over the years while sleeping.  A purring weight.

As my ears listen to the end of the song, my mind no closer to reassuring itself, my left hand reaches over to pick up my mobile phone from the nightstand, bypassing the drink I noticed my girlfriend had left there earlier, easily scooping it up in the darkness like I could see it.  Even as I lay back gently, my right hand reaching for my glasses on the nightstand and sliding them onto my face in one motion, it isn’t until I’ve input my code and unlocked my phone, that my eyes open to see the WordPress client already loading to type this.

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