Posts Tagged ‘ ramblings ’

Taking Life

It was hard-hitting as I lay in bed somewhere between “tossing and turning” and “never going to get to sleep” when my eyes suddenly just shot open wide.   The soft blue LED from my clock alarm illuminating sharply the ceiling above me, my subconscious immediately and unforgivably reminding me of the  missing silhouette with pointy ears usually laying across my stomach, the one that started me down this dark path once again.

Glancing over at the time, the numbers appearing unfocused and fuzzy without my glasses, music I have playing in trying to help me sleep seems to sense my rustling and the next song starts playing that matches my mood “Godsmack – Sick of Life”.   Much to my surprise, as I try to find reasons by grasping at straws, immaterial objects and the few friends I allow to stay close but never form deep relationships with, my eyes wander to the green, red and blue lights being thrown onto the wall and ceiling by my computer and accessories.

“That’s all I have left.” crosses my mind. It’s not the first time this thought has done so, hopefully not the last, either.  I prop up on my right elbow, an unusual position for me, glancing over in the direction of my computer, the only meaningful connection I seem to have in this world.  Nothing more than a black silhouette, the multi-colored lights it casts on the wall behind it making it stand out easily in the darkness.

My eyes close as I mentally navigate my room.  Knowing I could stand up in this darkness and easily walk to my computer, sit down, type the password to log into my account all before needing a light to see wasn’t helping me in this situation.  The familiarity with my surroundings, the memories; were a large part of the problem my mind pondered.  My subconscious again noticing the lack of a certain weight my body has brown accustomed to over the years while sleeping.  A purring weight.

As my ears listen to the end of the song, my mind no closer to reassuring itself, my left hand reaches over to pick up my mobile phone from the nightstand, bypassing the drink I noticed my girlfriend had left there earlier, easily scooping it up in the darkness like I could see it.  Even as I lay back gently, my right hand reaching for my glasses on the nightstand and sliding them onto my face in one motion, it isn’t until I’ve input my code and unlocked my phone, that my eyes open to see the WordPress client already loading to type this.

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Loss

What is loss?

A defeat to a rival in a sports competition?  A deprived sum of money in a card game?  The loss of a motor vehicle from an accident or sale?  The loss of a job, of an important trinket or the loss of a dear friend?

The actual loss, is none of those things.  Yet, it is all of them.  The loss comes not from the absence of tangible objects, nor from the friendship no longer had.

Loss comes from the bond you had made with each relationship, tangible or not, that you had made in your life.  The loss comes from the disconnect of not having that treasured item in your possession or the confidence of your friend.  The loss is not from the actual missing item, it is not born from what is taken from you by any means.

It is born from the strength of the bond you had formed that is now broken, it is fueled by the energy of that bond as it is broken.  All the feeling, emotion, time, effort, money you had invested in making that bond, establishing and maintaining it over time.

For that energy builds up, it adds meaning to the bond; it adds sentiment, value.  There is no limit, no filling of this bond, for how can you fill your heart and mind?

That is why, when the bond is broken, the resulting reaction is never measurable, never calculable.  It is erupts with all the energy, time, effort, value and emotion you have invested.  It bursts forth and creates a new bond, multiplied tenfold by the addition of a new element:  Loss.

They mix, tangle and weave together until the loss overwhelms the shattered remains of your bond, using them to strengthen itself and dig in.

Your loss will always be different than my loss, for none of us ever invests the same amount into the bonds we create during life.  But each of our losses is born from the same fragments that were once those bonds, fueled only by our investments.

Neither loss, is less important than the other.

–JLA, 08032010+0016

I added the following on 08132010+1952, after the passing of Ebony – The loss of King is what prompted me to type this post to begin with.  I was either afraid of this happening again or must have known subconsciously this was coming since Ebony has been sick, but being treated, for the past two weeks.  The Vet had assured us just this weekend that it was the ulcer returned or her pancreas…she was seen less than 48 hours before her passing…why didn’t they known something was wrong??

RIP King 09272003

King was my first cat.  I was the lucky one to have received him.  He and his sister, Mittens, were gifts for my sister and I’s birthdays in 92/93 (Can’t recall exact year) and he was my best friend through some very tough and trying times.  He was my boy for just over 10 years, we went through a lot together – He was always there for me and I was always there for him.  He is the son I am never going to have, I loved him so.

..or is he learning all my gaming secrets?

King watching me probably playing DragonRealms, text-RPG!

His sister is still alive, thankfully, and living with my Mom…I am not going to be in a good mood when that dreadful day comes either.  My boy King though, I let him out one day and he never returned.  He knew the area well, he was a very experienced outdoor cat.  I have no idea what happened to him.  No remains on any nearby roads, I checked seven animal shelters.  The not knowing is the hard part for me.  I’m the type of person that needs to know things.

My dad still lives in the same house where he was lost..every single time I pull into his driveway I have to harden my resolve to not rummage every single square inch of his property…again.  When I walk through the house, I have to stop myself from looking for him around every corner, in all his favorite hiding spots.  My Dad and I are on talking terms, at best.  He has never said anything to me about it, he is not an animal person.

Hey, whatcha doing?

King waiting for me to sit down so he can get comfortable in my lap again.

But he loves me, and I think, hope,

he understands and I know he knows what I am doing sometimes and still remains silent.

I have so few pictures of him, too.  Digital cameras were not as common as they are today, I did not have one back then until I received a WebCam for my computer for my birthday the same year he went missing.  I had it for three months and took about 20 pictures of him around the computer, on my lap, on my chair, on my keyboard!

I still love him and miss him terribly.

RIP Ebony 08132010

Ebony is..was, the second cat I opened up too, and I fought it so hard which makes this all that much more difficult for me.  I didn’t want to get attached again, and lose another member of my family.  I am not close to my sister at all, on OK terms with my Dad and great terms with my Mom.  But even my Mom isn’t as close as King and Ebony were to me.  It hurts, losing a loved one.  Time heals all wounds?  100% incorrect I believe.  Time will simply desensitize you to the pain, but it is always there lurking in the shadows waiting for a scent or scene to trigger the memories and pain.  You never forget that which you love, and if you claim love and forget; your love was never true.  Painful words, but if  you think about it..painfully accurate.

She was a silly fur-ball, just loved sitting on the back of my computer chair, the kind with NO room for a cat to sit on and lay across, but she managed.  She had this towel fetish, where we could put a towel across our laps and as soon as she saw it, would come running and leap into it and just curl up for hours.  I played many a computer game with her curled up and asleep in my lap for hours and hours on end.  She also liked to sleep with us in the bed, as most cats do.  She would plop herself down on my chest when I was on my back, or on my shoulder if on a side and just lay there purring.

Balancing sleepy kitty!

I still love him and miss him terribly.